100 Best Quotes From Netflix's Holidate

Netflix's Holidate has been circling around the holiday film list for a few years now, and it's no surprise why.

This raunchy, festive film brings lots of laughs with it's quirky characters and crazy plot.

Four people sit on a couch with open books, wearing festive sweaters. They're engaged in conversation, holding mugs and drinks. A colorful Christmas tree is in the background.

If you love raunchy film's and want to make your way through all the holidays of the year, then this film may be one to check out.

Here are some of our favorite quotes from this festive film!

100 Quotes from Holidate

People dressed in formal attire are laughing and making bubbles at an indoor event with colorful lighting.

"Fucking holidays."
"This is what you wear to Christmas dinner? Don't you even own a dress? I'm great, Mom. Thanks."
“...your Aunt Susan brought at-the-mall-Santa home. And your nephew just pooped in the manger."
“It was a tiny poop, and he moved the baby Jesus first.”
"I'm sorry, but I cannot date a professional clown."
"Jesus, Sloane, it's been six months. You gotta get back out there."
"My boss doesn't care what I wear as long as I meet my quota. He does, however, request that my mother stop FaceTiming me during business hours."
"You're not still smoking, are you? Uh...No, mom. I'm not still smoking. I had a smoky Uber."
"Well, no man wants a bitchy mother-in-law. So, I guess that's three strikes."
"You'd be surprised at the quality of men you can meet at the mall. I don't think I would actually."
"Relax. It's not like I'm going to marry him. He's just my holidate."
“A 'holidate?' You know, a date solely for the holiday. No commitment."
"Aunt Sloane, why didn't you call Rodney? Why didn't you call Rodney? Because I already have a boyfriend. His name is Levi, and he shares his juice box with me every day at recess.”
"Good for you, Daisy. You enjoy it while you can, because one day you are gonna walk outside, and you're gonna catch Levi sharing his juice box with a Starbucks barista named Rainbow.”
"Pants. They're khakis! Because golfers love khakis, right?"
"I see. So, you know me well enough to cum in my mouth, but you don't know me well enough to get me a Christmas present?"
“I could give you some cash. I've got, what--Forty bucks? What am I, a prostitute?"
"I want to never have to return to this store."
"Crocodile Dundee, some of us have jobs."
"Dundee. Original. Hang on. What makes you think I don't have a job? You're at the mall on a Wednesday returning slacker pants."
“I spent my holiday in an ugly Christmas sweater, sipping mocktails with a room full of people who I think were in a cult.”
“I'll see your ugly Christmas sweater, and raise you a seat at the kids table, my little brother getting engaged, and catching my aunt getting her cookie licked by a mall santa.”
"That's a...festive visual. Seared into my brain like a bad tattoo."
"I got a bad tattoo once. Is that...Matt Lauer? I was a really big fan of the Today Show."
"Do you know what that does to your body? Yeah. It fills me with warm, delicious happiness."
“Human beings aren't meant to be alone on the holidays. We actually need warmth, companionship, and someone to drunk-mock strangers with at parties."
"I'm Jackson, by the way. Sloane."
“Not texting you, Tiger Woods."
"This is great. I love it. I just can say whatever I want cause I don't care if you think I'm a classy guy or not. And I can wear a slutty dress and not worry about being slut-shamed. What a holidate bonus."
“Okay, so he is a sexually confused art student with mommy issues. And she's a wealthy widow with a taste for bondage."
"Your tits look great in that dress. That's what I said."
"We met at the Art Institute. I was a nude model for his figure sculpting class. He made me the most perfect clay clitoris. Like a butterfly taking flight."
"I'd love to see that. That can be arranged."
“Happy New Year, you kids. Have fun. Come on, Francois."
"He wore these sexy, little John Lennon glasses. Ugh..Did triathlons. Man, he had stamina."
“Nobody drops Baby on her head.”
"My tongue is having a major orgasm right now. Oh, lucky you."
“Isn't he amazing in bed? He's like the Terminator, only I'm the one who never stops coming."
“I'm Sloane's little boy toy of the moment, you know?”
"I'm just trying to nail her down long-term, but you know, she's such a strong and independant woman."
"Ugh, now I'm for sure gonna be sick. It's green juice. It's good for you."
"What, are you drunk? Maybe a little. Those bourbon truffles are stronger than I thou--."
"Thank you. Hmm. That's better. Now, I'll take my hand job in the parking lot. Thank you."
"Oh, a hand job. What are you, like, 12? You gave hand jobs at 12? I developed early."
"Do you want a cigarette? You smoke? No."
"A little tobacco never killed anybody. Mm, pretty sure it has."
"I like a man in fur. Thank you."
“I can't believe you're trying to set me up on Easter with a bunny."
"She seems like she's having fun. She's gonna die alone in a wheelchair and a diaper. Is that what you want? Do I get a male nurse?"
"So, Daisy, how are things with Levi, the juice box king? We broke up. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It's okay. He wasn't ready for a real relationship. I need someone who's going to put me first."
"...and she snuck out of my place with a panini maker. A fucking panini maker. Well...panini makers are expensive. Oh, I know. I paid for it."
"Your lack of a sex life is none of my business."
"You're wearing my underwear. Well, that doesn't mean anything."
"We didn't do it. One of us would for sure be able to tell."
“It's Mother's Day, can we not talk about my personal life for a change?”
"Happy Mother's Day, Mom. This one's for you."
"Oh, that smell. Is that pot? It's medicinal. For my sciatica."
"A little hit won't kill you. Grandmothers and cancer patients smoke pot, Liz."
"What is it about men and explosives?"
"What do fireworks have to do with a man's...anatomy? It's like jacking off. Men live for the orgasm.”
“Um...do we have a first aid kit by chance? Maybe Band-Aids. Why? Jackson, he--he just blew off his finger, a little bit."
"It's my fuck-you finger! I can't lose my fuck-you finger."
"I don't do drugs. And you call yourself a professional athlete?"
"If you'd only been a jackass a little earlier in the day."
"Guys don't get other guys shams."
"What is going on? Do they know what this song is about? No. Wait, isn't that her dad? This is so inappropriate."
"What's a whore? Um, somebody who gets paid to play with boys. I wanna be a whore. Me too! Okay, but just remember that the house gets 50 percent."
“I'm the Black Panther. Wakanda forever! You look nothing like the Black Panther."
"Hello. How are you today, my fine German pussycats?"
“Happy Halloween. I love the slut costume."
"Pregnant? She's fucking pregnant? How's this even possible? She's barely out of puberty."
“I've had about 50 mini-size candy bars. I've had a bucket of candy corn, and my ex-boyfriend has impregnanted a teenage girl."
"This is what I get for letting you trap me in this torture device."
"Holidate rule number three: Leave no holidate behind."
"You're locked up like Houdini in this!"
"Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! Please don't let this happen to me. Don't let me be the girl who shits her pants."
“Peppermint tea. Helps with the nausea. I have peppermint tea? Uh, sort of. I mean, it's just crushed Altoids in boiling water."
"I'll be an ancedote you tell at parties now? The girl who...The girl who shit her pants on Halloween?"
"You know, technically...we've all been shitting our pants since we were born."
"Don't worry, okay? I'm not gonna tell anyone. I promise. Thank you."
“I hate, in movies, when people kiss in the morning. I think it's gross."
“I kissed the Black Panther. What? The Black Panther! I kissed him!"
"You don't wanna close one door 'cause it'll open another. Yes, you do. Shut it tight. Lock it."
"...I'd rather be an asshole than so desperate for companionship that I troll the mall for a holidate."
"I see another ugly Christmas sweater in your future! Maybe there is. But at least I won't be alone, sitting at the kids table, blaming everyone else for my problems."
"I bet you money, that if Ryan Gosling waltzed down this frozen food aisle, and offered to take you on the ride of your life, you would still say no."
"I knew it! No leaf!"
"Jesus, Sloane, what did you do? I didn't do anything. What makes you think it was me? Well, honey, you don't have the best track record."
"Okay, well, my 'personal life' might be a mess, but at least I didn't kiss the Black Panther!"
"We can't go. Your date just had a heart attack. I barely know him. I had to write his name on my arm."
"So, you're stalking him, but not actually speaking to him?"
"Aunt Sloane. Life is giving you a moment. Don't fuck it up."
"I just wanna say I fucked up. Um, sorry, kids. Don't say that at home."
"I've had more fun with you in the last year than I've had with my loser ex-boyfriends combined."
"You were right. I do have feelings for you."
"I miss you so much. I miss you so much that I totally quit smoking. And candy is only mildly comforting. You've ruined all my vices for me."
"I thought I wanted a holidate, but the truth is...I just want you. For the holidays. And weekends. And weekdays too would be nice."
"If it's any consolation, it really was the worst Thanksgiving of my life."
"That speech was cockamamie."
"How about New Year's Eve? Yes!"