100 Best Quotes From Netflix's Kinda Pregnant

Are you looking to add a new comedy classic to your household?

Netflix’s newly realeased film, Kinda Pregnant features Amy Schumer as Lainey, a wannabe pregnant woman, who takes it a little too far, by actually pretending to be.

Five women walk confidently on a park path lined with blooming trees. They wear dresses, sunglasses, and casual attire, projecting a sense of style and camaraderie.

This raunchy new film is full of laughs and great quotes. Here are our favorites!

100 Quotes from Kinda Pregnant

Person wearing a pink sweater tries on a large beige support belt in front of a mirror, surrounded by framed pictures.

“Push, push, push! I can’t do it! It hurts! I hate you, bitch! Hey! Sorry, but the expectant mother often lashes out at her support system.”
“Lainy, why do we have to play ‘mom‘ every day? I don’t even want to be a mom. Never say that, Kate. Being a mom is the greatest thing a human being can do.”
“Do I have a mustache? No, you’re insane. No, do I have a fucking mustache?”
“Oh my God. We’re having a baby. We’re gonna have a baby. Why is it wet? It’s piss, Mark.”
“Ms. Newton…I’m unbelievably uncomfortable right now.”
“Now, does everyone understand what’s happening in this masterful text? Yeah, Juliet’s trying to smash.”
“You have a mustache. I knew it.”
“You look happy. I don’t like it.”
“What are you doing here? I’m a guidance counselor, so I’m guiding. A lot of lost souls in this school. If it wasn’t for me, it would be a shitshow.”
“You smell like cocaine. I’ll be back. We can talk about dresses later.”
“I feel like I’m breathing through a straw. But we’re all going to end up that way someday, right?”
“I’m just joking about getting old and dying.”
“You want a scene? You want a scene! Here’s a scene coming at you and your dress!”
“This food sucks.”
“It’s going to be an oral exam. What? I’m assuming you’re all familiar with oral. Little perverts.”
“Brett. What is Romeo and Juliet about? Oh, um, it’s a beautiful love story. Wrong answer. Boo. Boo. Everyone boo Brett.”
“Liam, will you remind us, what is Romeo and Juliet really about? Romeo just wants a piece? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!”
“Tell him what he’s won! A big fat dose of reality, kids. Because guess what? Romeo doesn’t just want Juliet. No! Romeo wants pussy from all over fair Verona. And he wants a fucking threesome with Moira?”
“What’s a threesome? A threesome? Glad you asked this. Okay, everybody take notes, because this is important.”
“A threesome is when three people…do what only two people should do. Like a seesaw? Exactly like a seesaw!”
“This isn’t about my mustache. This is about the fact that Shakespeare…is dog shit. And love…is a fucking lie.”
“Um, Ms. Newton, should we evacuate the school? Mm-hmm.”
“Stay away from the fire. We’re not sure how it got lit. We’ll get to the bottom of it.”
“Get out, kids! We’re gonna die! Get out!”
“You are the moon. And the stars. And he is a dirty diaper. A tampon landfill monster.”
“I just thought he was the one. You know, like the one, one.”
“Fuck Dave. You don’t need him or any guy.”
“I want a family. That’s my dream. You will have that dream. Anyone can. Anyone except for me, because Dave wants to explore new vagina holes and butt holes.”
“What about my holes? My holes aren’t good enough to shit a baby out of? Okay, can you stop saying holes? Sorry, it’s just thinking about a baby’s thick head coming out of my hole is just too much.
“You don’t want to talk about holes. Are you fucking pregnant?”
“I thought that I would have a baby first and you would wait to long, and, you know try and adopt and that wouldn’t really pan out and you would just get some weird pet, like, some off-brand, like a ferret or some shit.”
“Please don’t be mad. Stop! Why would I be mad at you? A baby. I’m so happy for you. Well, I mean…Yes, but you just demanded I have an abortion.”
“I’m gonna fuck his dad, become his stepmom, and put him up for adoption.”
“To just celebrating you and not thinking about Dave.”
“Hi, I’m Dave and we’re The Threesomes. This is the first song off our debut album, Threesome. It’s called ‘Threesome.'”
Why would you want a family anyway when you’re working with these bleeding hemorrhoids all day?”
“We’re not supposed to threaten them.”
“You got this, bitch. You’re the GOAT.”
“It’s not even a baby yet, it’s just an embryo. It’s not even an embryo, it’s just fermenting cum.”
“Are you allowed to smoke in here? Yeah, it’s just pot.”
“Can you believe that tarantula’s gonna be a mother? Shirley’s pregnant?”
“Who’s this? Um…Latte. His name’s Latte? Yeah. Yeah. It’s, you know, just spelled like Latte.”
“I did not know you were such a little slut. Okay. Please. I love this for you. So proud.”
“Sorry, I work with her. She’s the worst.”
“Old Navy? Oh my gosh. This is really amazing. Are you my mirror? No, it’s not good. We got to work on our mirror work.”
“What is your name again? My name is Latte. No, stop. What was your real name? My name is Josh.”
“Bye, Latte. Ms. Fierce.”
“You and your husband must be so excited. Or your wife. Or your…DoorDash driver.”
“How far along are you? Maybe, judging by your facial bloating, five months? I’ll break your fucking neck. What was that? I’ve been a freaking wreck.”
“I want to get pregnant tonight. What? No, no, you don’t. Not when you’re 15. You never let me do anything!”
“The energy in there was just like a little nuts.”
“It smelled like a fucking queef salad in there.”
“I’m Megan. Lainy.”
“Ugh, my hormones are out of control, and my husband is driving me insane.”
“Cute little face almost tore my asshole open.”
“This guy’s the reason there’s so many lesbians now.”
“All right, should we fuck up this baby or what?”
“I’m going to go kill myself. No, no, no.”
“To treating pregnant women like people and believing in science. Hear, hear!”
“People usually stay home on Thanksgiving. What a rebel. Yeah. Not me. I get right out there. I get those sweet Black Friday-eve deals.”
“You got pregnant at a Black Friday sale? Yep. Nothing gets me riled up like a coupon for a Vitamix.”
“Why am I listening to you? You have three active restraining orders against you. Which says to me there are three people out there who sees my passion, who knows that I’m a go-getter.
“Balls.”
“You know what they say. Kiss a lot of turds, right? No. No one says that. It’s toads. Like ‘The early turd gets the worm.’ No, it’s bird. ‘Early bird gets the worm.’ But it is ‘kiss a lot of turds’ for sure.”
“…you’re being a stupid, tit-faced jerk butt. Oh, it is you, my friend, that has the face of a tit.
“All right. Can you two bitches calm down? You can’t even come up with proper fucking swear words.”
“I love you both equally, all right?”
“I dated an ice cream scooper at Casey’s Scoops. But then I realized I was just, like, in it for the ice cream…and that’s just not enough.”
“Ever dated a pregnant woman? You’re the least pregnant person I’ve ever dated.”
“So are we dating? No. I don’t know. I mean, I’m seeing a lot of other people. I’m sorry you’re in the friend zone.”
“I thought you were gay until, like, five minutes ago.”
“When you were asleep, I went to Black Friday sales. And…fucked somebody at a Brookstone? Costco. Because they have the best deals and the best dick.”
“And I don’t even know what you’re looking at.”
“I’m a scientist. That’s not a real job. What do all of you do? We’re all scientists.”
“I moved on. And I suggest you do the same.”
“You like that, Iceman? Who is Iceman? You. Because you drive a Zamboni? Oh, okay, yeah.”
“I love it. I’m Iceman. Okay. The Iceman Cometh.”
“You’ve been jerking off a boy alpaca.”
“I’m not having the baby! I’m not…I’m not pregnant! I’ve been lying. I’m faking it.”
“I hate my husband. Sometimes I’ll just look at him and be like, ‘God!'”
“This baby gets to have the coolest, funniest, most badass mom in the whole world. You forgot sexiest. Most fuckable mom.”
“Bitch, I’m your soulmate.”
“All I ever wanted was to be a mom. Since I was a little girl. So I put that bump on. I went to that stupid yoga class. And I met you. And I couldn’t help but want to be friends with you.”
“I know what a mindfuck it is being a woman, pregnant or not.”
“The most important relationship you are ever going to have is with yourself.”
“Well, I miss you, girl. Come here. I’m so sorry. It’s okay.”
“I’m not coming down ever!”
“Josh, can I please talk to you for a minute? Just one minute. Why? So you can tell me another lie? You’re not a teacher. You’re really a lighthouse keeper.”
“I lied. I lied to you when I told you that I got pregnant on Thanksgiving. I lied to you when I said I do charity work for animals. I don’t. I’ve never done any charity work, ever.”
“I like cream corn. Steve.”
“The point is that I’m not lying to you when I say I am totally in love with you.”
“My name’s not Sasha Fierce. Hi. My name is Lainy Newton.”
“What do you want, Dave? I’ve never known you to be this considerate.”
“You are such a dick.”
“I realized that I wanted so much more…Success? Pussy. I do still love you, though.”
“You wanna bone one more time?”
“You know, I once stole my own car so I could use the insurance money to buy my girlfriend a bag. A bag? Yeah, like a designer bag. That’s really stupid.”
“Lainy…you are insane…but you make me laugh so much. I love the way you look at me. And I love looking at you. I had the best sex I’ve ever had with you and I didn’t see anything.”
“You know, someone once said, ‘Watch out for love, unless it is true and every part of you says yes…including the toes.’ Anne Sexton.”
“Hi, my name is Josh.”