In this comedy series, three strangers become obsessed with true crime. However, they realize soon enough that they are caught up in one. When a death takes place in their Upper West Side apartment, the trio suspects murder and begins to use their own knowledge to find out the truth. After telling each other lies, they begin to wonder if the criminal is among them.
Created by Steve Martin and John Hoffman, Only Murders in the Building is a Hulu original that has kept up the suspenseful momentum for the past two seasons with the third season in the works. The stellar cast features Steve Martin (Charles Haden), Selena Gomez (Mabel Mora), and Martin Short (Oliver Putnam).
Here's the scoop on quotes from Only Murders in the Building!
1. “These are our proverbial onions, raw and peeled. And yours?” - Oliver
2. “Gotta get Bunny her money.” - Ursula
3. “What a terrific god-damned finale this is going to be.” -Oliver
4. “Oliver, I loved our shows. It’s setting money on fire I don’t care for.” - Teddy
5. “I’ve had worse injuries shucking oysters.” -Oliver
6. “Winnie, don’t stand so close to Sting.” - Oliver
7. “No one wants a murder podcast about real estate!” -Oliver
8. “Sometimes a second chance is just to get it.” - Cinda
9. “You are scoring a murder mystery, not DJing a hobbit’s wedding.” -Oliver
10. “As I said to Paula Abdul during our production of Hedda Gabler, we’ve got to start thinking outside the box here.” -Oliver
11. “Oh, my God, the twists and turns of this are unbelievable. It’s like a rainbow crafted by a drunken leprechaun.” -Oliver
12. “Embrace the mess. That’s where the good stuff lives.” - Cinda
13. “This is exactly like Die Hard!” -Oliver
14. “Just because things aren’t what they seem doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. Maybe she just doesn’t trust y’all yet.” - Vaughan
15. “Or she’s a mistletoe, which is actually a toxic parasite. The very plant that encourages to kiss at holiday time can actually kill the tree it hangs on. Little do you know, all that romance is happening under a tree assassin.” - Lucian
16. “Rock icon Sting is a dog-poisoning murderer. He’s like the next OJ. A hot, Buddhist OJ.” — Oliver
17. “We’re born alone, spend most of our time alone, then we all go out alone.” - Detective Williams
18. “Just because you aren’t locked up doesn’t mean you aren’t still in some kind of prison.” - Oscar
19. “We’re the heroes of this building. Before us, you could be killed in your own apartment, and no one would know it.” — Oliver
20. “We blend in by standing out.” — Oliver
21. “Who the hell knows? Suddenly it’s rude to tell a secretary she looks nice in a pair of slacks.” - Oliver
22. “No. To that whole sentence.” - Mabel
23. “I’d rather be dead than boring.” - Oliver
24. “That’s really all we want, isn’t it? More time with the people we love.” — Oliver
25. “Stay out of the theater if you want a life. Trust me.” — Oliver
26. “Sometimes you do have to make a mess to clean one up.” — Oliver
27. “I’ve fallen in love with so many dead people.” — Charles
28. “New Yorkers have a special way of communicating. And by special I mean direct.” - Charles
29. “Even the elevator wanted that story to end.” — Charles
30. “A cat never really leaves you, because they transmit parasites.” — Charles
31. “Sometimes it’s easier to figure out someone else’s secret than it is to deal with your own.” — Charles
32. “How was the chillin’ in Washington Square Park? Was it, like, so chill? Did you chill it up so hard?” — Charles
33. “You know, it’s a law of nature. Nothing good ever happens on Long Island.” — Charles
34. “It’s money time, baby. Payday is here and check is in the mail.” — Charles
35. “She’s not a kid. We only think she’s a kid because we’re old.” — Charles
36. “You know, I’m thinking of putting myself out there again. I mean, I slept with a murderer! That is a great story to tell on a first date.” — Charles
37. “What once was a place of joy is now haunted. Or maybe it was always haunted – you just can’t see the ghosts until you’re close to being on yourself.” - Leonora
38. “We need to focus. Only murders in the building.” — Charles
39. “Bunny had a secret elevator? Where does it go, Hell?” - Oliver
40. “I’m so on board with this. Because this is how I’m gonna fill the rest of my days with hobbies, and my hobby is solving murders.” — Charles
41. “I mean, you’re insane, but that’s usually who people want to follow.” — Charles
42. “People who don’t pay their building fees are the worst. It makes the rest of ours go up.” — Charles
43. “I’m a stranger that lied to you a bunch and you’re two randos that dragged me into a podcast.” - Mabel
44. “Excuse me. I have been dating decades longer than you’ve been alive, and I’m especially an expert at first dates. Because that’s what I mostly have.” — Charles
45. “Oliver is so deep in my pocket it’s tingling my balls.” - Teddy
46. “Every true crime story is actually true for someone.” — Charles
47. “The fuck is this? The Neverland Ranch of theater bullshit?” - Zoe
48. “People talk way too fucking much in this city.” - Theo
49. “The crying is covering the dialogue.” — Charles
50. “Oh, I wasn’t aware boys were supposed to be good for you.” - Zoe
51. “I’m totally migraining, you guys meet the sea witch without me.” — Mabel
52. “Can I just stream it later and spare myself?” — Mabel
53. “You’ll make the right choice. Because if you don’t, well, I know where you live.” - Teddy
54. “For a long time, I felt ashamed to have a deaf son. It ended my marriage, actually. That and, you know, all the whores.” - Teddy
55. “I can’t tell if you’re acting or not.” — Mabel
56. “I am riveted. She is so the better you.” - Oliver
57. “Seventy is the new forty.” — Mabel
58. “Women who knock rarely make history.” — Mabel
59. “Tim Kono’s death has now been ruled a homicide and apparently one of you jerkoffs did it.” - Bunny
60. “I mean, a murderer probably lives in the building, but I guess old white guys are only afraid of colon cancer and societal change.” — Mabel
61. “Is it cancer? I just need to know how invested I should get in you. You don’t adopt a 20-year-old dog.” — Mabel
62. “Brazzos was our safe word.” - Jan
63. “He was alone. Isn’t that enough to make us care?” — Mabel
64. “As I said it’s a lot. Don’t be here if you don’t like a lot.” — Mabel
65. “It’s a place that makes you binge dateline so you don’t end up on dateline.” — Mabel
66. “Sadly I will not be seeing you bassooner or later.” — Jan
67. “I’d like to point out that when I offered to help, everyone sent me home to get stabbed.” — Jan
68. “I’ve broken up with people for whispering loudly in movies or chewing weird.” - Charles
69. “I’m a sucker for lonely guys with notable age differences I meet on elevators.” — Jan
70. “Stuff it up your ass.” - Mrs. Gambolini
71. “You know, the sharing of stories is kind of transactional. When someone gives you a story, you owe them one of equal or greater value in return.” — Jan
72. “Sometimes I like to cry back here because I’m a fraud. It’s a multi-purpose space.” - Alice
73. “I’m going to stop you before you accidentally say I’m not sexy.” — Jan
74. “Do I wanna break into a dead guy’s apartment and go through all his shit? Sounds like an afternoon.” — Mabel
75. “Sweet freedom for the innocent – and justice for all crimefighters!” - Oliver
76. “It’s a very good show to have on in the background when you’re dying.” - Leonora
77. “I just got Bunnyed!” - Sam
78. “Don’t let yourself only love one thing – because if you only love one thing and that one thing foes away, well, then you’re left with nothing. And that sucks.” - Bunny
79. “Bunny, you’re a badass.” - Mabel
80. “I’m not going to let those fuckers see me cry.” - Bunny
81. “Did the pregnant protege make a pernicious power play?” - Oliver
82. “She used the word 'Manhatty' and you just used 'hot goss.' It’s like I’m watching Squid games without subtitles.” - Charles
83. “He’s already plotting his revenge. I think he’s going to kill me, bury me, dig me up, and kill me again.” - Oliver
84. “Nina Lin punched me. She is violent, and after backstabbing Bunny, I think she might have front-stabbed her, too.” - Howard
85. “Two hundred dollars on the Upper West Side will just get me a bagel and a soy latte.” - Mabel
86. “Right now, the thought of wringing your back really stimulates my root chakra, but it’s probably not worth losing three of my mindfulness badges.” - Teddy
87. “When I was an intern at the Post, Kay Graham have me a great piece of advice. She said, 'Don’t be too good at a job you don’t want.'” - Cinda
88. “If my years in regional theater and wild orgies have taught me anything, it’s that there is no getting rid of glitter.” - Oliver
89. “Are you really going to leave me here, all locked up, and not in a sexy way?” - Jan
90. “Everyone’s just so obsessed with my past. Maybe that’s why I love being with you. You’re just new. And you make me feel new.” - Mabel
91. “Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be great at something.” - Poppy
92. “Thanks to you we’re getting more anonymous tips than a Penn Station gloryhole.” - Detective Kreps
93. “Either the killer is in these files, or I’m some unhinged psychopath who goes into fugue states and stabs people. Either way, a girl likes to know these things about herself.” - Mabel
94. “I have to flip the pieces now. All of them. Otherwise, I’ll never see the full picture.” - Mabel
95. “Joy is your new middle name.” - Oliver
96. “Like I don’t fuckin’ know Chorus Line.” - Detective Williams
97. “No one who promises big things knows what’s gonna happen. But, it’s the ride that counts.” - Oliver
98. “I don’t tip. I think it’s elitist. I send out autographed photos instead.” - Charles
99. “I think our list of suspects just got longer.” - Charles
100. “I want you to be less mean.” - Charles
The Emmy-nominated show will receive a pop-up of the gallery in New York for the latest season on August 19th and 20th!
Watch Only Murders in the Building on Hulu now!
If you loved these funny quotes from Only Murders in the Building, check these out:
- 100 Best Quotes from Russian Doll Season 2
- 100 Best Quotes from The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window
- The Best 100 Quotes from Peaky Blinders
Leave a Reply