The Fix, hosted by Jimmy Carr, and co-hosted by D.L. Hughley and Katherine Ryan, ask two teams of two to come up with a “fix” for a different national issue every episode. The panel made up of all comedians discusses the issue at hand comically before each team representative presents their ”fix” or solution. At the end of each episode, the live audience votes on the fix they support most. Guests on the panel include Nichole Byer, Fortune Feimster, Clayton English, Howie Mandel, and more.
Here is the scoop on the best quotes from The Fix…
1. “Hello, I’m Jimmy Carr and this Is The Fix — the show where we tackle the world’s biggest problems because, well, carpool karaoke has already been done.” – Jimmy Carr
2. “Face-to-face human interaction is becoming the exception. These days we communicate online, anonymously, and with our trousers round our ankles.” – Jimmy Carr
3. “Social media has allowed people to groom children without all the hassle of having to join the Catholic Church.” – Jimmy Carr
4. “So here’s how the show works. I’ve challenged two teams of comedians to come up with a fix for social media. Our Studio audience will be voting at the end of the show, and the idea that gets the most likes will be outvoted by the verified winner.” – Jimmy Carr
5. “It’s both the best thing that ever happened to me and the worst thing to ever happened to me. It’s sorta like my kids — kinda the same.” Michael Ian Black
6. “Anyone who thinks we need more eye contact and human interaction has never been a woman on a bus.” – Katherine Ryan
7. “Our mother’s biggest fear for us growing up was like ‘don’t tell anyone where you are.’ As a young girl you’re supposed to be private, and every night I’m like ‘I’m at the comedy store on 810. Come murder me.’ And then I give a discount code so they can get in cheaper to murder me.” – Nikki Glasner
8. “If you’re a younger person watching, rad is what dad’s call good.” – Jimmy Carr
9. “We spend just thirty-nine minutes per day socializing and communicating with the people that matter most.” – Mona Chalabi
10. “My mother always told me ‘make them wait and they’ll want more.’ I am living proof that if you make them wait, they will want it a whole lot less.” – Katherine Ryan
11. “I like my border control like I like my sex. Sure I have boundaries, but occasionally, I let a Mexican man sneak in.” – Jimmy Carr
12. “I’ve been here my entire life, I grew up in the midwest. I am as cornfed as they come, but if Katherine and I went out to dinner people would assume I’m an immigrant. Whereas you’re the person in America right now stealing a job from an American comedian.” – Joel Kim Booster
13. “I was adopted from Korea in the ’80s, so I’m kind of a forced immigration situation.” – Joel Kim Booster
14. “I have the two greatest nationalities for the current political climate. So I’m Canadian and Irish.” – Katherine Ryan
15. “I wish there were 36% of immigrants in the United States, cause I’d be more popular.” – Al Madrigal
16. “If your doctor speaks English, your insurance ain’t shit.” – D. L. Hughley
17. “I’m all for open borders. I don’t understand why they closed, and Barnes and Noble was able to stay open.” – Al Madrigal
18. “I don’t want to racially profile here but Al Madrigal going back for more of the spaghetti taco.” – Jimmy Carr
19. “Second-generation kids are more likely to go to college than their immigrant parents and their friends from a native-born family.” – Mona Chalabi
20. “Since it’s too difficult for us to treat immigrants like people, we need to start treating them like celebrities.” – Katherine Ryan
21. “The reality is scientists are creating machines capable of genuine intelligent thought.” – Jimmy Carr
22. “No one in my high school said ‘I wanna grow up and work in a cat cafe.’ We didn’t have those jobs.” – Katherine Ryan
23. “All these machines, they’re just constant reminders of things telling me to walk more.” – Fortune Feimster
24.” May I just say, hats off to the Japanese, and the incredible lengths they go through to avoid human interaction.” – Katherine Ryan
25. “Anytime someone’s like ‘let’s see what the Russians are up to?’ I’m like ‘please be ballet, please be ballet.'” – Katherine Ryan
26. “Presumably, we’re a long way off from leaving our kids in the care of robots.” – Mona Chalabi
27. “The people who I perform for, they have real jobs. So I’m scared for them cause I need their money.” – Ron Funches
28. “I’ve been able to recognize pizza since I was three so suck it robots.” – Fortune Feimster
29. “Google’s AI was reported as becoming highly aggressive in stressful situations, even though it wasn’t programmed to do so.” – Katherine Ryan
30. “I’m just worried for all the female robots out there. Eventually, they’re gonna have to have an R2-Me too movement.” – Fortune Feimster
31. “I love when a Whole Foods comes because then I can steal from the hot bar!” – Nichole Byer
32. “I grew up around a bunch of white people so I was trying to reverse gentrify and they said ‘get out.'” – Nichole Byer
33. “I feel safest around black women. I like the way they vote, I like the way they parent, I like the way they don’t put up with Tristan Thompson’s non-sense.” – Katherine Ryan
34. “I bought one of the most expensive properties in my family, but it’s also the smallest, and they’re very confused.” – Katherine Ryan
35. “I lived in Harlem and I loved Harlem. It made me sad when white people moved in because — like — I don’t want soul food with mayonnaise in it.” – Nichole Byer
36. “You’ll pay like $500 for dinner, then look outside and see some man taking a shit.” – Nichole Byer
37. “In the shop owner’s defense, that interviewer was clearly after his lucky charms.” – Jimmy Carr
38. “Now that’s some white non-sense. Who leaves their house for a bowl of cereal?” – Nichole Byer
39. “Some of these people, they don’t need a hand out they need a hand-up — and a free mansion.” – Katherine Ryan
40. “Hipsters won’t be able to resist so-ca-bo.” – D. L. Hughley
41. “Jimmy I’m disgusted and disturbed by the presence of the elderly.” – Katherine Ryan
42. “I’m like two years away from playing corpse number five on CSI.” – Whitney Cummings
43. “It’s amazing that people worry about getting old like I’m a black dude in America. I’m glad I made it this far.” – D. L. Hughley
44. “I think the ideal way to die is with your kids arguing over who loves you the most.” – D. L. Hughley
45. “From the look of this, I guess I’m wearing my adult diapers wrong.” – Al Madrigal
46. “You look like a guy who just drove his car through a farmer’s market.” – Al Madrigal
47. “The world just needs women more than it needs men.” – Mona Chalabi
48. “All of this data is a really good reason why elderly women should actually date younger heterosexual men.” – Mona Chalabi
49. “Look if you can play golf, you can pick fruit.” – D. L. Hughley
50. “The elderly were animals who had nothing better to do during the depression but bang.” – Katherine Ryan
51. “I grew up with sisters who were tanned with big boobs. I learned early that life’s not fair.” – Katherine Ryan
52. “Of course he doesn’t realize women are very good at playing chess because there is a lot of strategies involved in avoiding playing chess.” – Katherine Ryan
53. “I think of myself less as a terrible mother and more of a really great dad.” – Katherine Ryan
54. “My wife used to make me babysit my children.” – D. L. Hughley
55. “British kids — tolerable.” – Katherine Ryan
56. “Black people have figured it out. We go to church, we play lotto, and we die early.” – D. L. Hughley
57. “Hooter’s waitresses make more than I think the men in the kitchen. And you can have a side hustle at Hooter’s as well. I was selling my socks to anyone that asked for them.” – Katherine Ryan
58. “Those tampons, boob jobs, and abortions aren’t paying for themselves, right?” – Katherine Ryan
59. “I don’t go to church right now, cause the cover charge is too high.” – D. L. Hughley
60. “So let’s put men to work for the economic future of women with daddy-care” – D. L. Hughley
61. “Thanks to global warming, the world is drowning and on fire. It’s like we’re all living inside Kanye West’s mind.” – Jimmy Carr
62. “Polar bears need to lose weight.” – Katherine Ryan
63. “I’m a black man so we’ve been worried about mass extinction for a long time.” – D. L. Hughley
64. “I think it’s common courtesy not to go to the bathroom on a plane if you can avoid it.” – Katherine Ryan
65. “That’s cause Americans are all fat right now. We can solve that problem by skipping breakfast.” – D. L. Hughley
66. “I don’t wanna be cremated, I just wanna be shot into space.” -Sasheer Zamata
67. “It’s an easy plan. All we really need is a bunch of mentos and Coca-Cola.” – Ron Funches
68. “We can reverse global warming Jimmy, and we’re going to do it with a vegan rebrand.” – Katherine Ryan
69, “Think of veganism like fight club. Namaste.” – Katherine Ryan
70. “Okay audience, vote for your favorite fix now. And remember, the future of mankind is at stake, so take this seriously.” – Jimmy Carr
71. At this point, there are almost as many guns as there are people, although guns are doing their very best to reverse that statistic.” – Jimmy Carr
72. “My dad took me hunting when I was little, but I asked too many questions so I didn’t get to go no more.” – Sarah Tiana
73. “We’re too fat to fight.” – Clayton English
74. “Why does she have the rifle from Bonanza? That’s the slave catcher 5000.” – D. L. Hughley
75. “I like a man who anticipates a crime by showing up dressed for the trial.” – Katherine Ryan
76. “I’m surely not gonna stand in the way of an American’s constitutional right to be accidentally shot by his Labrador.” – Katherine Ryan
77. “Gun control and literacy solved. Two for the price of one. You’re welcome.” – Katherine Ryan
78. “In the libraries in black neighborhoods, the books are really old. There would probably be muskets and shit in there.” – D.L. Hughley
79. “I love it. I think you gotta take it down from the inside. It’s how our aunt’s ruined Facebook.” – Sarah Tiana
80. “Audience, please vote now. And remember, because this is Netflix, whatever you decide becomes law.” – Jimmy Carr
81. “It’s weird cause when black people were addicted to crack it was a crime, and now white people it’s a crisis.” D. L. Hughley
82. “I’m not taking them now, but I have big plans to get addicted to opiates in my retirement where the life-destroying consequences won’t matter, and I’ll just have a lot of fun.” – Katherine Ryan
83. “This is a good time to get addicted to opiates cause if it’s gonna make you glaze over and think everything is good, that might be the route.” – Amanda Seales
84. “One time I got so high I felt like a white dude.” – D. L. Hughley
85. “It sounds like you have a worse relationship with ICE than a Mexican.” – Katherine Ryan
86. “I wouldn’t give a baby top-shelf alcohol. Their little pallets aren’t developed yet. They can just have a house Chardonnay.” – Katherine Ryan
87. “I love the idea of a bunch of super high Mormons just going door to door.” – Katherine Ryan
88. “The worst day of my life was when my gynecologist told me he was also a DJ.” -Katherine Ryan
89. “You can’t show a video of people kayaking and then casually mention that their teeth might fall out.” D. L. Hughley
90. “Audience please vote for your favorites now. And remember, your first vote is free but if you like it there’s plenty more where that came from.” – Jimmy Carr
91. “Of course if I had my way, everyone would be a millionaire and I would be a billionaire.” – Jimmy Carr
92. “When you’re black, you’re not that far away from somebody who doesn’t have money.” – D. L. Hughley
93. “Since I’ve started earning more money, I’ve become less attractive to men.” – Katherine Ryan
94. “I bought another house for when my family sneezes.” – Howie Mandel
95. “I wanna buy a giant dog that just looks like an eyeball and a sneeze house.” – Aparna Nancherla
96. “I met a man who was in the mafia. He was my absolute favorite.” – Katherine Ryan
97. “I think it should also go the other way like if you don’t donate money they should name bad things after you.” – Aparna Nancherla
98. “Katherine and Aparna are proposing we make every American a shark tank contestant.” – Jimmy Carr
99. “Ladies and gentlemen, please vote now — and remember your vote counts. It’s like the opposite of a Russian election.” – Jimmy Carr
100. “So that’s that, the wealth gap fixed. Just don’t look in your bank accounts, it will take a few days for the money to clear.” – Jimmy Carr
Hope you enjoyed these quotes from The Fix!
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