Ted Lasso takes us on an inspiring and hilarious journey that never fails to evoke a whole spectrum of emotions. This Emmy Award-winning show is praised for the main character played by Jason Sudeikis. Despite not knowing anything about soccer, Ted is confident and sees the dynamic of the team as ranking above winnings and losses. Here is the scoop on Ted Lasso quotes that will surely make you laugh and feel inspired.
1. “Back where I’m from, you try to end a game in a tie; well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.” -Ted Lasso
A tie not only creates unrest amongst sports players but also for the dedicated fans of the teams. Ted compares the apocalypse with a game ending in a tie as only one can come out on top. Even though he becomes a coach of a soccer team, he carries over his knowledge from his time as a football coach.
2. “If you would have told me that I’d be drinking tea at 3 o’clock every day, about a year ago… I would have punched you in the mouth.” -Ted Lasso
Fans of the series would know that Ted Lasso is not the biggest fan of tea and often talks about how much he dislikes the beverage.
3. “We’re gonna call this drill ‘The Exorcist’ cause it’s all about controlling possession.” -Ted Lasso
There are many times throughout the show where Ted makes crazy references about football. In this case, he mentions the famous movie The Exorcist and tells the team to control the possession of the ball. We’re not sure which situation would require more effort, executing an exorcism or taking control of the ball.
4. “If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes it’s easier to speak our minds anonymously.” -Ted Lasso
Cyberbullying is more common than it was five years ago, and Ted shows us just how wise his words can be in certain situations. Riding under the radar is the safest way to speak your mind.
5. “Jamie, I think that you might be so sure that you’re one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there, you’re just 1 of 11. And if you just figure out some way to turn that ‘me’ into ‘us’…the sky’s the limit for you.” -Ted Lasso
Ted gives advice to Jamie as a player on the English soccer team. He tells him that thinking as a team is the only path towards success on the field.
6. “For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.” -Ted Lasso
Most players and even coaches find themselves caught up in the numbers to the point where team coordination is thrown off. However, Ted’s inspiring quotes change the mindsets of the team.
7. “It’s like a muffin, except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth.” -Ted Lasso
What Ted describes when eating a scone with its lack of moisture. He seems to always find something wrong with the English culture.
8. “I think one of the neatest things about being a coach is the connection you get to make with your players. That’s a loss that hits me a lot harder and is gonna stay with me a lot longer than anything that happens while playing a game on a patch of grass.” -Ted Lasso
He brings up the reality that a coach can’t have the same players forever. Ted Lasso finds that to be the most heartbreaking part about sports.
9. “Guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that.” -Ted Lasso
After facing judgmental people in his life, he comes across an American poet’s quote that helps him understand both sides. Has to be one of the wisest Ted Lasso quotes from the show.
10. “Divorce is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re the one leaving or if…you’re the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things.” -Ted Lasso
He refers to the divorce between Rebecca and her ex-husband. Rebecca clouds her mind with revenge for her ex by hiring Ted Lasso to be the new soccer coach. She intentionally hires him knowing that his inexperience will ruin the team.
11. “All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.” -Ted Lasso
Even if you’re not a huge sports fan, you still know that warming up before playing is essential to lessen injuries on the field. But Ted Lasso was able to put his creative spin on this important statement.
12. “If God wanted games to end in a tie, She wouldn’t have invented numbers, all right?” -Ted Lasso
We can’t help but agree once again on what Ted is saying about numbers. He does mention that numbers aren’t the only thing to focus on when playing; however, he makes a point that numbers exist for a reason.
13. “You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. Y’know why? It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish.” -Ted Lasso
Everyone knows that goldfish don’t have the best memory based on what others have said. Ted twists the goldfish saying around to make it seem like being a goldfish is a good thing.
14. “Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn’t it? If you’re comfortable while you’re doing it, you’re probably doing it wrong.” -Ted Lasso
There is a difference between riding a horse leisurely compared to riding a horse for competitions. He is not afraid to express his thoughts on challenges that make you get out of your comfort zone.
15. “Be honest with me. It’s a prank, right? The tea? Like when us tourist folks aren’t around, y’all know it tastes like garbage? You don’t love it. Its pigeon sweat.” -Ted Lasso
Ted makes fun of the heavy tea culture and thinks that the English put on an act around tourists. It is safe to assume that his taste buds don’t scream for joy when drinking tea.
16. “She’s got some fences, alright, but you just gotta hop over ’em.” -Ted Lasso
Ted’s way of describing Rebecca’s harsh attitude in the wake of her divorce. He knows that Rebecca will eventually soften her boundaries.
17. “Well, as my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that’s a little rich for my blood.” -Ted Lasso
When Ted Lasso realizes that gambling is not his cup of tea. He attempts to create a comparison between fettuccine alfredo and gambling. We know that Ted is the only one capable of saying this.
18. “The idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them. Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii.” -Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso motivates the soccer team into learning trick plays to help them win. But no one thought that he would bring up a historical tragedy like Pompeii.
19. “Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain’t nobody here gonna kiss their sister…which is an American phrase that I’m now realizing does not exist here, and that’s good, ’cause it’s creepy, and I hate it myself; I don’t know why I said it.” -Ted Lasso
We can all attest that the American phrase used for a tie is creepy and straight-up weird. Ted learns that the English might not be as bad after all besides the tea.
20. “Boy, I love meeting people’s moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they’re nuts.” -Ted Lasso
Ted is not one to hold back on his view towards meeting people’s mothers; however, we find ourselves understanding the connection between instruction manuals and moms.
21. “You say impossible, but all I hear is ‘I’m possible.'”
It’s Ted’s job to lift the spirits of the soccer team as their coach. He doesn’t fall short when it comes to fueling the confidence of the team.
22. “I’ve never met someone who doesn’t eat sugar. Only heard about ’em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.” -Ted Lasso
He pokes fun at the people who don’t eat sugar that happen to live in a glamourous place like Santa Monica. Ted still has some catching up to do when it comes to new experiences.
23. “I haven’t seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.” -Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso may not be the average coach, which is bound to reel in judgmental people. However, he continues to stay true to himself even if he may not measure up to a certain level of coolness.
24. “There’s two buttons I never like to hit, alright? And that’s ‘panic’ and ‘snooze.'”
Just like anybody else, no one likes hitting the ‘snooze’ button. We can all relate to the fact that ‘panic’ and ‘snooze’ are the worst buttons to push. No one likes being placed under intense pressure.
25. “Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or, uh, Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and… Actually, you know what? I’m starting to realize that Ol’ Blue Eyes might’ve skewed mercurial.”
When you start to realize that Ted Lasso may be a walking encyclopedia. Ted Lasso’s quotes maybe some of the best in comedy show history.
26. “This is a sad moment right here. For all of us. And there ain’t nothing I can say, standing in front of you right now, that can take that away. But please do me this favor, will you? Lift your heads up and look around this locker room. Yeah? Look at everybody else in here. And I want you to be grateful that you’re going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain’t nobody in this room alone. Let’s be sad now. Let’s be sad together. And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish. Onward. Forward.” -Ted Lasso
Ted lets us know that going through moments with one another helps strengthen relationships. He allows himself to be humble around the soccer team while developing a stronger bond to help them succeed.
27. “Ice cream’s the best. It’s kinda like seeing Billy Joel live. Never disappoints.” -Ted Lasso
At least we know that Ted prefers ice cream over scones and tea. He hypes up the dessert in that it offers the same experience as seeing Billy Joel perform live.
28. “Sounds to me like someone’s trapped inside life’s most complicated shape: a love triangle. Second place of course is the ‘I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit’ dodecahedron.” -Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso makes sure to point out that love triangles are the root of destruction but slides in with his memory of walking in on his mother-in-law and the complicated feelings stemming from it.
29. “If I didn’t have any confidence, I never would’ve worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night.” -Ted Lasso
It takes a lot of confidence to ignore what others think of you. Ted Lasso’s epiphany is something that he can look back on with a laugh.
30. “I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside… It was the mob.” -Ted Lasso
This Ted Lasso quote shows his inexperience with soccer but also his hilarious comment on who killed President Kennedy. As viewers, we don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
31. “You got Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself.” -Ted Lasso
Jamie channeling his inner Ronaldo.
32. “Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. I don’t know why y’all do that.” -Ted Lasso
His way of pointing fingers to the English for indulging in what they call tea.
33. “There’s a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.” -Ted Lasso
He doesn’t speak far from the truth knowing the amount of crazy activity that happens on Twitter.
34. “It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they’re now gone.”
An unusual quote from Ted but one that is relatable for when things have to end. He starts to enjoy coaching the English soccer team and finds himself attached to his players.
35. “That’s a special young man right there. Got talent for days, works hard, and he’s got a jawline like the White Cliffs of Dover. I’m always rootin’ for him.” -Ted Lasso
More praise for Jamie as he becomes one of the key players to elicit team spirit. What would Ted have done if he didn’t have a soccer player like Jamie?
36.”I shouldn’t bring an umbrella to a brainstorm.” -Ted Lasso
His play on words is not only funny but genius as well. This Ted Lasso quote is one of our favorites!
37. “You’re telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y’all patch me up, and I don’t have to pay jack squat? I tell you; I love this country.” -Ted Lasso
Ted comments about the healthcare system in England being better than America. We agree with this Ted Lasso quote that many countries have a way better healthcare system than the United States.
38. “So I’ve been hearing this phrase y’all got over here that I ain’t too crazy about. ‘It’s the hope that kills you.’ Y’all know that? I disagree, you know. I think it’s the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief.” -Ted Lasso
Hope is the starting point for success and a lack of it takes you nowhere.
39. “You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like ’em just like my mother’s bathing suits. I only wanna see ’em in one piece, you hear?” -Ted Lasso
Ted reminisces about the bathing suit scene with his mother-in-law and somehow compares it with the soccer team falling apart.
40. “I always feel so bad for the cows, but you gotta do it; otherwise, they get lost. That was a branding joke. If we were in Kansas right now, I’d just be sitting here waiting for you to finish laughing.” -Ted Lasso
We never thought Ted Lasso would say such a quote about cows, but we’re here for it. A coach must do his job, or the players won’t succeed.
41. “I come bearing sweet treats to numb the sting of defeat.” -Ted Lasso
Ted’s version of comforting people when the team loses a game.
42. “I’m not sure what y’all’s smallest unit of measurement is here, but that’s about how much headway I made.” -Ted Lasso
Ted’s lack of knowledge for the UK. An American coach should at least know this much.
43. “I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right. Yeah, it’s horrible. No, thank you.” -Ted Lasso
His previous thoughts of how tea was going to taste. In his eyes, he wasn’t wrong about the beverage.
44. “If that’s a joke, I love it. If not, can’t wait to unpack that with you later.” -Ted Lasso
Ted took the word ‘judgmental’ and threw it out the window.
45. “I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids.” -Ted Lasso
His description of how soccer is going with the team. His goals weren’t just to win but to create a strong connection as a team. He believes that bonding is the first step before any sports team is capable of winning. Has made the list for the most memorable Ted Lasso quote!
46. “It’s just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.” -Ted Lasso
We like this comparison of a concert and the soccer team. Everyone is on the same page about their dreams makes challenges a whole lot easier.
47. “I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons.”
We smell a troublemaker…
48. “You should do a TED Talk, ’cause right now you’re getting a whole heap of ‘Ted listen.'”
His play on words since his name is also Ted.
49. “It’s kinda like all the nipples in that movie Showgirls. Halfway through, you don’t even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative.”
Can’t have hilarious quotes without some of them turning out to be quite questionable.
50. “I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat.”
Since when was flat water a desirable drink? But we can’t help but appreciate this Ted Lasso comparison.
51. “I think that if you care about someone and you got a little love in your heart, there ain’t nothing you can’t get through together.”
This one is for all you romantics. The stronger the love the better any relationship is.
52. “Great party game, horrible relationship status.”
This is why you should avoid becoming addicted to partying. Your relationships go down the drain.
53. “You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.”
Area 51 sparked many people’s interests, so it’s no surprise that Ted would bring aliens into the mix. We appreciate this goofy Ted Lasso quote.
54. “We all know speed is important. But being able to stop and change directions quickly? Well, that’s like Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak. It don’t get nearly enough credit.”
He mentions the actions in soccer to make a goal. However, we can’t deny his taste in music and flawless comparison.
55. “You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don’t wanna hear it. All right?” -Ted Lasso
It’s easy to beat yourself up when your team loses, but Ted lasso shuts it down with this insulting yet hilarious quote.
56. “If y’all were really introverts, you would’ve been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won’t shut up.”
You know that there is a detailed spectrum that everyone falls on. But we love Ted’s way of tying ‘quiet as a church mouse’ to a church that is quite loud.
57. “What I can tell you is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.”
His way of saying that coaching a team won’t last forever.
58. “Coach Beard’s views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one — it loses its flavor.” -Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso’s insult on his assistant. We spot a total player.
59. “Like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight ’cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers.” -Ted Lasso
Who can agree with this statement? Usually, stew goes bad after leaving it out all night.
60. “I’m gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain’t easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.” -Ted Lasso
When Ted fails to explain how to play soccer. Do you think Ted Lasso was right to bring up such a topic?
61. “Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson, on a high.” -Ted Lasso
His goal for the soccer team after his experience with football.
62. “Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing.”
This is a clap back to the people who judged him all his life. Has to be one of the best Ted Lasso quotes!
63. “I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.” -Ted Lasso
His version of a happy ending with the soccer team.
64. “I’ve never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers. You know, it’s all part of growing up.” -Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso explained his feelings on the number of ties that the team has managed to receive. An iconic Ted Lasso quote that everyone loves.
65. “This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able take my eyes off of it, either.” -Ted Lasso
Ted is all for confidence while also mentioning an iconic woman, Michelle Obama.
66. “As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get.” -Ted Lasso
The path to success that everyone should take to heart.
67. “It’s kind of like back in the ’80s when ‘bad’ meant ‘good.’ ”
When all of the ladies flocked towards the bad guys. Why are we instantly reminded of Grease even though the movie came out in the late 70s?
68. “Living in the moment, it’s a gift. That’s why they call it the present.”
One of our favorite Ted Lasso quotes that changes our perspective of living in the moment.
69. “Come on Rob! You gotta get it in there to get three points!” -Ted Lasso
Ted cheering on Rob to make a soccer goal.
70. “How many countries are in this country?” -Ted Lasso
I don’t know if he’s ignorant or his level of humor is far beyond anyone else.
71. “We’re gonna try it on and see if it fits. It might not. Then again, it might be a very flattering silhouette. I might wear it right out of the store. Makes me feel good, start to strut. Oooh, I like this. I like the way this makes me feel.” -Ted Lasso
Ted’s uplifting attitude is what we all need. He doesn’t expect much, but he never gives up.
72. “Yeah, I’d love to see Abbey Road.” -Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso expresses his dream of one day seeing the famous Abbey Road that the Beatles walked on in London.
73. “If we see each other in our dreams, let’s goof around a little bit, pretend like we don’t know each other.” -Ted Lasso
When Ted Lasso wants to see his loved ones even in his dreams.
74. “In my mind, you gotta have three things to be a Premier League team. One, you gotta play physical, two, you gotta give 100 percent until the final whistle, and three, you gotta be sponsored by a Middle-Eastern airline.” -Ted Lasso
Since Ted does have experience leading a football team to the championship, he gives the team advice to end it on a funny note.
75. “That’s the funny thing about coincidences, ain’t it? Sometimes they just happen.” -Ted Lasso
Can’t argue with Ted here. Coincidences are unexplainable.
76. “You spoke to God?!” -Ted Lasso
I think anyone would be shocked if someone said they talked to God.
77. “I’m looking forward to the definition of relegation.” -Ted Lasso
The process of transferring a team or players to a lower league. Do we smell Ted accepting the challenge?
78. “I know change can be scary. One minute, you are playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you’re getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project’s going, you feel all squiggly inside.” -Ted Lasso
A comedy show is bound to mention the changes that come with puberty. This Ted Lasso quote has to be one of the most descriptive ones.
79. “I think that’s what it’s all about. Embracing change.” -Ted Lasso
We know that change is scary, but Ted makes us feel confident.
80. “I want you to know, I value each of your opinions, even when you’re wrong.” -Ted Lasso
The perfect coach has arrived! For any setting, valuing each other’s opinions forms beautiful relationships.
81. “I have a really tricky time hearing folks that don’t believe in themselves.” -Ted Lasso
To think Ted Lasso was on the other side when he was younger. He has come a long way.
82. “If the Lasso way is wrong, it’s hard to imagine being right.” -Ted Lasso
He goes about things differently than others and knows that he is bound to be the target of a judgmental society.
83. “Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing you do all day, but I need a favor.” -Ted Lasso
When Ted seems to know more about North Korea than the UK.
84. “Even Woody and Buzz got under each other’s plastic.” -Ted Lasso
The duo that no one knew Ted would mention. But it is a great example for the soccer team.
85. “Will you explain to me how that was offside? No! I’m asking you. Seriously! Explain offside to me. It makes no sense.”
A term used in soccer but nonexistent in football. Well, at least Ted has some sort of coach experience.
86. “Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my counter.”
Let this be a lesson not to leave a jar of peanut butter open.
87. “One more person says something to me, and Beard don’t understand. I’m gonna have one of my son’s classic temper tantrums. It’s basically just him calling me a bunch of silly names, you know, like, I don’t know, ‘dummy head’ or ‘poo-poo face’ ‘pee-pee fingers.'” -Ted Lasso
Ted’s assistant may not be the smartest apple from the tree.
88. “Seems like a smurf with an attitude would be a lot of fun to watch.” -Ted Lasso
A smurf with an attitude is good and all until they start to destroy everything.
89. “Little tip for y’all. Fries are called chips. Chips are called crisps. And bangers aren’t great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing because they’re so darn tasty.”
We’re not sure if we would pair up the word ‘tasty’ and songs, but the humor is there. Moreover, fries are called chips in the UK. This Ted Lasso quote is random.
90. “I never know how to react when a grown man beatboxes in front of me.”
Not sure how we would react either. Should we put our dance moves to the test?
91. “Tea and I are still on a lifelong hiatus.”
Ted Lasso’s way of saying tea won’t be a part of his life.
92. “You gonna give me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. That’s a combo. Does it come with a medium drink?” -Ted Lasso
This Ted Lasso quote is both funny and dangerous. We can’t guarantee your safety if you use this line on someone angry at you.
93. “A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile to me.”
Did we just teleport into the Disney movie Frozen?
94. “Early drinkin’ means quick drunken.”
That’s why they say not to drink in the morning.
95. “Little girls are mysterious. And silly and powerful. I gave up trying to figure them out years ago.” -Ted Lasso
It looks like Ted has trouble figuring people out in general as he speaks of people’s moms being difficult to handle.
96. “I’m not sure you realize how psychologically healthy that actually is.”
When Jamie starts to realize that he needs to focus more on the team than himself. Ted Lasso applauds him for thinking about the team.
97. “Ties and no playoffs? Why do you even do this?”
Ted is referring to the differences between football and soccer. He questions whether he made the right decision to become the coach of an English soccer team.
98. “Well, normally right back to the counter because there’s been a terrible mistake.”
Ted Lasso has no shortage of tea quotes throughout the series, but his hilarious remarks about tea makes him a beloved character.
99. “I’m sort of famous for being almost famous.”
His reputation for leading a college football team to the championship shows that he has potential as a coach. He just might not be the best soccer coach.
100. “You tore your butt. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
Injuries shouldn’t prevent you from continuing to pursue your dreams. Ted says that tearing your butt is not something to be embarrassed about.
Be sure to catch Ted Lasso Season 1 and 2 on AppleTV+! Although this show is mostly focused on sports and comedy, we can’t help but enjoy the small romantic moments. Jason Sudeikis’ critically acclaimed performance earned him recognition in the entertainment world.
For the scoop on more great quotes check out these articles:
Wednesday 12th of January 2022
You've got at least two quotes in here that were said by other characters but are credited to Ted.