Schitt’s Creek is a television sitcom, starring Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara. The show follows the wealthy Rose family who one day find themselves impoverished after poor business decisions. The family are able to maintain 1 financial asset, the town of Schitt’s Creek, which Johnny Rose purchased as a joke. With lovable characters and lots of jokes, Schitt’s Creek quotes are always hilarious!
Eugene Levy stars as Johnny Rose, a once-successful video store magnate now living in Schitt’s Creek with his soap star wife Moira (Catherine O’Hara) and their two kids: Alexis (Annie Murphy) and David (Dan Levy).
The Rose family suddenly find themselves living in a small town and having to fend for themselves. The family learns to live life in the slow lane as they attempt to stay afloat.
Here’s the scoop on the most memorable Schitt’s Creek Quotes!
1. “Ew, David!” Alexis Rose
Starting off the list is one of the most iconic Schitt’s Creek quotes of all time. Alexis says her brother’s name quite a lot, but “Ew, David” is one of her most memorable funny one liner sayings.
Some of her other great “Davids” include “Ooh burn, David”, “Snap, David” and “You’re like a big dirty raccoon, David!”
2. “This wine is awful! Get me another glass.” -Moira Rose
When Moira is getting ready to film a commercial for a winery, she samples the product. Unfortunately for her, it tastes terrible!
This doesn’t stop her from drinking lots of the wine to calm her nerves. Naturally, the final commercial is hilarious.
3. “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” -Moira Rose
Moira Rose has lots of interesting advice and sayings. Some of her words of wisdom are a little out there, but this lesson about gossip is surprisingly helpful.
Moira offers her unsolicited advice to Twyla Sands, even though she is the one who started the conversation.
4. “I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.” – David Rose
David Rose is the Schitt’s Creek character most likely to reference pop culture. While he is complaining about complicated relationships, he references Avril Lavigne’s iconic song “Complicated.”
5. “Yeah I just feel like the whole session was rushed. Like, there was no backlighting, or emotional direction.” – David Rose
Once again, David delivers one of the most relatable Schitt’s Creek quotes ever. Most of us can relate to not liking our driver’s license photo, and so can David!
6. “Talk to the hand, son. Because the ears are no longer working.” -Johnny Rose
Johnny Rose is many things, but he is not very familiar with pop culture. However, his attempt at the 90’s saying “Talk to the hand” is charming.
His effort to connect with the young people in his life it just one of the many reasons we love Johnny Rose!
7. “I don’t want to be taken advantage of because I’m overdressed.” -Johnny Rose
When shopping for a used car, Johnny wants to get the best deal possible. Since he doesn’t have a lot of money, he needs to prove this to the car dealer. He can’t just wear anything for this task, he needs to wear bad clothes.
Johnny Rose is full of great business tips, and fans love him for it!
8. “I was giving them a little pup talk” -Ted Mullens
Ted Mullens is everybody’s favorite vet. Not only does he love animals, but he also loves to make animal puns! With his kind heart and his love of animals, Ted is easily one of the most likable characters in Schitt’s Creek.
9. “My car is worth less than your pants.” -Stevie
Stevie Budd is the queen of dark and subtle humor. Her dry delivery perfectly showcases all of her amazing lines!
While joking about her financial life, Stevie points out that David dresses very well. His pants are no doubt very expensive, and probably cost more than her car.
This is one of the best Stevie Budd quotes because it is so short and sweet!
10. “I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a merlot, that used to be a chardonnay. I like the wine, and not the label.” -David Rose
The iconic wine analogy is one of the most memorable David Rose quotes ever. While talking to Stevie, David shares his sexuality, and indirectly comes out as pansexual.
The conversation cleverly uses wine to convey the idea. The words and delivery make this one of the best Schitt’s Creek quotes of all time!
11. “Well, if I find out that you’re accusing me of doing something I didn’t do, then I’m going to accuse you of making false accusations.” – Roland Schitt
Johnny Rose accuses Roland Schitt of stealing lawn signs. The lovable, albeit dim-witted Roland Schitt denies the accusation and turns it on Johnny.
Roland may be rough around the edges, he is still a hilarious character with lots of amazing quotes.
12. “I don’t skate through life. I walk through life… in really nice shoes.” -Alexis Rose
Alexis Rose has a great perspective on life. She knows her worth and is not afraid to show it.
Her confidence comes through in many of her endeavors, and especially in this line she says to David. We can all aspire to walk through life in really great shoes.
13. “Fall off a bridge, please.” -David Rose
David tells his sister, Alexis to “Fall off a bridge, please.” Every season of Schitt’s Creek perfectly demonstrates the complexities of sibling relationships.
Alexis and David bicker, just like all siblings, but at the end of the day they are also there to support one another.
14. “I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!” -Alexis Rose
Throughout the series, Alexis Rose tells lots of stories about her life before moving to Schitt’s Creek. She has an interesting and mysterious past full of drama international travel!
While we will never know her full story, we love every time Alexis brings up small details about her wild past.
15. “Oh, in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.” -Alexis Rose
Once again, Alexis gives us a glimpse into her past.
Why does she know how to break out of duct-tape? We will never know. Is this an entertaining story? Absolutely!
16. “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?” -Moira Rose
When Moira accidentally opens an envelope on her desk, she is very confused. Roland explains, “That’s the sonogram of our baby!”
This line is hilarious because even though Moira has two children of her own, she does not recognize a sonogram.
17. “Tweet us on Facebook!” -Johnny Rose
Johnny Rose earned his wealth in the VHS business, so he is a bit behind the times. However, he does his best to improve the motel’s business.
Johnny orders custom coasters that say, “Tweet us on Facebook.” This innocent mistake of mixing up two different social media platforms is hilarious. Johnny is just trying his best.
18. “What you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic. But, it was also wrong.” -Moira Rose
After David runs away, the Rose family sets out to find him. Fortunately, it does not take long since he is staying with a local Amish family.
Moira is very upset with David and scolds him in her classic elaborate vocabulary.
19.”Rose Apothecary. You know, it’s just pretentious enough.” -Patrick Brewer
Patrick’s description of David’s business name also describes him as a character: Thoughtful and hilarious. Patrick is a great partner for David because he is funny and encouraging.
Together, Patrick and David make great business and life partners.
20. “David, will you please give me a hug?” -Alexis Rose
In one of the more heartwarming moments in the show, Alexis shows her vulnerable side. While she and David usually bicker and pick fights, she shows that sometimes you just need a hug from your brother.
The characters do not always show genuine human emotion but when they do, we see heartfelt moments like this.
21. “I’ve been waiting for this moment. Apparently, if they call your number, you get to stand in front of a judge. I feel like I’m on The Voice!” -Jocelyn Schitt
Jocelyn Schitt is a positive ray of sunshine! While many people hate the idea of doing jury duty, she is so excited for the opportunity.
Jocelyn is always trying to look on the bright side
22. “This isn’t “Say Yes to the Dress”, princess. Orange is the new orange.” -Ronnie
Ronnie is not afraid to tell it like it is. When she hands Alexis an orange work vest to complete her community service, Alexis tries to refuse.
Ronnie is one of the first people in Schitt’s Creek to Alexis
23. “I’m only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.” -Stevie Budd
Steve and David initially bond of their mutual dislike for other people. They quickly become the best of friends, and fans love watching them on-up each other with sarcastic lines.
24. “If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine.” -Roland Schitt
Roland Schitt is the mayor of Schitt’s Creek. He has some eccentric ways, but ultimately he has a heart of gold. Roland’s tendency to talk too much takes some getting used to, but everyone grows to love him.
25. “Where is bébé’s chamber?” -Moira Rose
Another one of the best Schitt’s Creek quotes of all time comes from Moira Rose! Moira’s speech pattern often leads to some interesting pronunciations.
One of the funniest instances of this is the fact that she puts an emphasis on the word baby, sating it like “bay-bay.”
26. “You’re my Mariah Carey.” -Patrick Brewer
After telling David, “I love you” for the first time, Patrick also says, “You’re my Mariah Carey.” He knows how much David love Mariah Carey.
The exchange is sweet and playful, because Patrick shows how much he loves David, but also knows that David will get flustered.
27. “David, the pedals make it move more.” – Alexis Rose
Alexis teaches David how to ride a bike. Thoroughly embarassed, David does not want to learn, but still starts off to a shaky ride.
Excited, Alexis shouts the obvious, “The pedals make it move more!
28. “Oh, it’s always just a cold, John—until it’s full-blown typhoid!” – Moira Rose
Moira Rose lives up to her name as a soap opera star. She has a flare for the dramatic and often inflates situations.
While her comment is funny, she likely does not have to worry about anyone getting typhod.
29. “Excuse me, I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.” -David Rose
David Rose has a signature style, but his fashion has evolved. Offended by Moira’s remark about bedazzling, he explains, “I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.”
30. “I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” -David Rose
David asks Stevie for help dealing with a bug in his motel room. Stevie makes fun of him for being afraid of nature, but David defends himself.
While Coachella may not be a realistic outdoorsy experience, it is the closest thing David has.
31. “You’d have said ‘Wow, Alexis! I’m thinking about shaving my beard.’ And then I would’ve said ‘Mmh…no Mutt, I don’t think that that’s the right journey for you at this point in time.” -Alexis Rose
Alexis is sincerely bothered when her boyfriend Mutt shaves off his beard. Being able to see his entire face is not something she’s used to, and she wants to know why he didn’t ask her before shaving.
She then acts out how their conversation would have gone, with her discouraging Mutt from shaving.
32. “Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You’ll remember the experience and you’ll remember the name.” -Moira Rose
When Moira is delivering her lines for the winery commercial, she struggles to say the name. She is drunk off of the wine and can’t properly pronounce the name.
Instead, she gives several hilarious takes, unable to “remember the name.”
33. “You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.” — Stevie Budd
Moira surprises Johnny with the huge family portrait from episode 1. Johnny tells Stevie that this painting is one of their only possessions that did not get sold.
With her classic sarcastic delivery, Stevie acts surprised that a huge family painting did not sell to someone else.
34. “A little bit Alexis!” -Alexis Rose
Be honest, did you read that in Alexis’ voice?
Alexis Rose delivers the performance of a lifetime in the song “A Little Bit Alexis.” The song instantly gets stuck in your head, but we’re not complaining!
“A Little Bit Alexis” is a fun and catchy song that gives fans some of the best Schitt’s Creek quotes of all time.
35. “You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.” -Alexis Rose
When the Rose family first moves into the motel in Schitt’s Creek, David and Alexis fight over beds. David does not want the bed close to the door, “Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first.”
The siblings argue over who will get murdered first, and Alexis delivers this hilarious line.
36. “You just fold it in.” -Moira Rose
This line about folding in the cheese is one of the most memorable Schitt’s Creek quotes ever! Moiraand David make dinner from an old family recipe.
The only problem is that they don’t know how to fold in the cheese. David asks Moira hot to fold it in, but she is not helpful. She simply says, “You just fold it in.”
37. “I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.” -David Rose
Last on the list is one of the most hilarious Schitt’s Creek quotes from David! Moira talks to Alexis and goes on and on about Ted’s new girlfriend. David tries to get Moira to stop, but she doesn’t take the hint.
After an upset Alexis leaves the room, David say the iconic and redundant line, “I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.”
38. “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England and it was, like, too rainy.” – Alexis Rose
An upset Alexis laments her relationship troubles to Twyla. While doing so, she also reveals yet another wild detail about her past dating history.
Leave it to Alexis to move to England with Harry Styles and get tired of the weather!
39. “David, I’m hungry. I’m a hungry hungry hippo!” -Patrick Brewer
After Patrick get his wisdom teeth removed, he has a fun time while the anesthesia wears off. Any show where a character has surgery and then acts loops afterwards is a hilarious time, and Patrick’s wisdom teeth experience is no different!
40. “Everyone shut up! Ronnie, throw the thing!” -David Rose
During a baseball game, David surprises everyone by hitting the game-winning home run. This is only after striking out 3 times, so when he goes up to bat the other team is taunting him because they think he will strike out again.
In true David Rose fashion, he yells at everyone to be quiet and then surprises both teams by hitting a hime run and winning the game!
41. “Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist.” -David
42. “Well, this town is very screamnastic.” -Johnny
43. “Is there, like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I’m not aware of?” -David on Roland’s style
44. “I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” -David
45. “You smell very flammable right now.” -David
46. “I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” -David
47. “Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up.” -Alexis
48. “You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There’s a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening. My best to Bob Cratchet.” -David
49. “Funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This is luxury.” -David
50. “Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” -Moira
51. “We just need a body.” -Patrick
52. “I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.’” -Alexis
53. “This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half expecting early Unabomber.” -Moira
54. “Why am I getting booed?” -Johnny
55. “I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.” -Moira
56. “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.” -Moira
57. “If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.” -Ted
58. “Hashtag. Is that two words?” -Johnny
59. “Do I wear a fringed vest? Or more importantly, do I wear anything under it?” -Patrick
60. “You’re not the only one with an online presence.” -Johnny
61. “My son is pansexual.” -Johnny
62. “If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.” -Moira
63. “Honestly, Twy? Ix-nay on the ong- say because I tried it once, and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted, I am tone deaf, and he was a super angry marine. But…” -Alexis
64. “Stop doing that with your face.” -Alexis
65. “He loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women. I’m his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy. But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe, maybe everything would’ve been less confusing.” -Johnny
66. “I’d really like you to sing at my cousin’s funeral. She’s not dead, but she’s been coughing a lot lately.” -Roland
67. “How mercurial is life. We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis, and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.” -Moira
68. “Allow me to offer some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ‘Oh, I’m too spooky,’ or ‘Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,’ but believe me: One day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!” -Moira
69. “Ok, well, movies aren’t always right, all right? You’ll learn that later in life.” -David
70. “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!” -Moira
71. “She sort of fades into the background after a while. You know, like a smoke alarm.” -David
72. “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?” -Alexis
73. “I would be pleased to RSVP as pending.” -Moira
74. “Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart, we can’t tell our kids who to love. Who said that?” -Roland
75. “Fear not, she hath risen!” -Moira
76. “I am suffering romantically right now.” -David
77. “I’m a delightful half-half situation!” -David
78. “It’s a list of Buzzfeed’s most motivational quotes for girl bosses under thirty.” -Alexis
79. “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine.” -Alexis
80. “You know, being approachable isn’t that important, anyway. The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s and her birthdays are still very well attended.” -David
81. “No matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” -David
82. “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” -Stevie
83. “I don’t know why you didn’t ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries and I have my “F” class.” -Alexis
84. “The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.” -David
85. “I got these on a clearance rack at Target.” -Stevie
86. “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” -Alexis
87. “We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.” -Stevie
88. “There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” -Moira
89. “I wasn’t in rehab: I was at rehab, visiting Stavros.” -Alexis
90. “The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you… a lot.” -David
91. “But people love extreme vanity… and they love puppies!” -Alexis
92. “I got these at a showroom in Paris.” -David
93. “Ok, yeah, I still actually had a few more verses. And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.” -Alexis
94. “You do realize I’m a professional vocalist?” -Moira
95. “As if I didn’t see this coming. He’s broken up with me five times already. Like there was that time that he never met me in Rio. And remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife’s engagement ring? And then there was that time last summer when he left his molly in my glove department and then I got arrested.” -Alexis
96. “My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice. He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.” -Roland
97. “I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.” -Alexis
98. “Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of the summer.” -Johnny
99. “Someone brought room temperature vodka.” -David
100. “I like the wine and not the label.” -David
101. “Anyway, so you’ve been burned a couple times. Um, have we met? I’ve been burned so many times I’m like the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow.” -David
102. “Fold in the cheese.” -David
103. “David, you have to stop watching Notting Hill. It’s not helpful for our relationship.” -Patrick
104. “Eat glass.” -David
105. “Just watch a season of GIRLS and do the opposite.” -David
106. “I’ve spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like and then I met you and everything changed. You make me feel right.” -Patrick
107. “Let’s go. I’ve had enough waking hours for one day.” -Moira
108. “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” -David
109. “Wait, one pizza? What is this? Les Mis?” -David
110. “Politics 101. John. When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir. It’s exciting. It’s fun. It’s like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own bebe.” -Moira
With so many amazing characters and great writing, there are lots of Schitt’s Creek quotes to choose from. What are some of your favorites? Comment below!
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