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85+ Best ‘Dirty Grandpa’ Quotes From the Movie

Dirty Grandpa, released in 2016, stars Robert De Niro, and Zac Efron, alongside Aubrey Plaza, Zoey Deutch, and Julianne Hough.

The film revolves around a Grandpa, Dick Kelly, whose wife just passed, and after 40 years of marriage, he has only one thing on his mind. To have sex.

Dick recruits the help of his grandson, Jason Kelly, as they go on a hilariously wild, raunchy road trip to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. 

Dirty Grandpa is filled to the brim with funny situations and off-the-wall one-liners that ensure there’s never a moment where you’re not laughing while watching the movie. 

Here’s the scoop on the best quotes from Dirty Grandpa! 

1. “You’re just a dirty, dirty grandpa, and I’m just a girl from Long Island City who likes to mess with old people.” -Lenore

Robert De Niro and Zac Efron in Dirty Grandpa (2016)
Dirty Grandpa (2016)

2. “The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl.” -Dick Kelly 

3. “Look, I’m sorry, I don’t know if I can do this. I haven’t done it for a long time.” -Dick Kelly

4. “I’m gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes? You want summa dat drank? Summa dat purple drank? -Dick Kelly 

5. “Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower.” -Lenore

6. “Are you dying?” -Lenore

7. “Like the keynote speaker at a butt convention.” -Dick Kelly 

8. “We have a long standing bet who’s the better golfer. Obviously, I’ve got the bigger three wood.” -Dick Kelly 

9. “Yeah? Well, I got news for you. That’s the only thing that’s gonna be pulling out tonight.” -Dick Kelly

10. “Hey, you know your cigars. What are you, half Cuban or something?” -Dick Kelly

Robert De Niro and Zac Efron in Dirty Grandpa (2016)
Photo by Bob Mahoney – © 2015 – Lionsgate

11. “I don’t think you’re very popular here, Grandpa.” -Jason Kelly

12. “You’re the one that’s going to have to watch out. You might get Oreo’d.” -Dick Kelly

13. “You’re the cream in the middle.” -Dick Kelly 

14. “You’re like some sort of terminator sent back from the future to block humans.” -Dick Kelly 

15. “The Robots should’ve sent you instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you could’ve blocked John Conners’ parents and he never would’ve been born.” -Dick Kelly

16. “Party till you’re pregnant!” -Dick Kelly 

17. “You’re gonna tsunami on my face.” -Lenore

18. “Ever since I retired from being an astronaut. It’s nice to see some heavenly bodies around here too.” -Dick Kelly

19. “What, I told them the truth. I told them that I’m getting married next week and that you’re not well because your wife just died.” -Jason Kelly

20. “Those cougars wanted to party.” -Dick Kelly 

Robert De Niro and Zoey Deutch in Dirty Grandpa (2016)
Dirty Grandpa (2016)

21. “You’re like the Israeli iron dome defense system.” -Dick Kelly 

22. “Now you’re pushing some papers in a law firm.” -Dick Kelly

23. “It’s Florida, these people don’t matter.” -Tan Pam

24. We have two hot, smart, beautiful college girls at the peak of their sexual powers about to meet us at one of the last great nightclubs in Florida. Worry about them.” -Dick Kelly 

25. “Yeah, which one is the diabetes conference  .” -Dick Kelly

26. “I’m selling drugs man, trying to put my kids through preschool.” Tan Pam

27. “Have you been reading s— off the shot glasses and the shirts in here and just saying it like its wisdom?” -Jason Kelly 

28. “It’s not a hacky sack, that’s a trade name. It’s an organic hempseed foot satchel.” -Griz

29. “Tell me you’ve fallen and you can’t get up.” -Lenore 

30. “You’re going to flood like the Nile.” -Dick Kelly 

Robert De Niro and Zac Efron in Dirty Grandpa (2016)
© Copyright 2016 Bob Mahoney

31. “You don’t just die from cancer, Jason.” -Cousin Nick

32. “She told me on her deathbed: ‘You get back out there again’.” -Dick Kelly 

33. “No, this isn’t high. It’s an e-cigarette. It’s filled with a little weed, but it’s an e-cigarette.” -Cousin Nick 

34. “Grow up? How adult are you? What are you listening to NPR in your Volvo? Do you play racquetball competitively against business associates?” -Cousin Nick

35. “We’re heading to Daytona. So you guys want to tag along for a bit?” -Lenore

36. “Besides, I can’t chug alcohol anymore like I used to, Grandpa. I developed like a gag reflex.” -Jason Kelly

37. “You’re chugging a beer not taking down a horse, Jason. Come on.” -Dick Kelly 

38. “She’s not right for you! If you marry her you’re going to be sleepwalking through the rest of your life.” -Dick Kelly

39. “I found a Werther’s Original in the pocket and I’ve been sucking on it all morning.” -Lenore

40. “Now fumble around and pretend like you’re trying to find your glasses.” -Lenore

Dermot Mulroney, Catherine Dyer, and Julianne Hough
Dirty Grandpa (2016)

41. “You know, most grandpas just want toffee.” -Jason Kelly

42. “Now let’s get in that giant labia you drove up in and get out of here.” -Dick Kelly

43. “I can’t do it without you, so I’m asking you please Jason.” -Dick Kelly 

44. “I’m just gonna check the testosterone levels on your phone, just as I thought pretty low.” -Dick Kelly

45. “Ah, so you caught me taking a number three big deal right.” -Dick Kelly 

46. “What is wrong with you? I’m about to get married, Grandpa. In one week, to a Jewish girl…” -Jason Kelly

47. “No calls. For one night stop worrying about your wedding please.” -Dick Kelly  

48. “Who’s the lesbian?” -Stinky 

49. “What’s wrong with that? Feeling young again. What do I have? A dead wife, dying friends, a few good years left, if I’m lucky, and you know what, it freaks me out.” -Dick Kelly 

50. “Alright, I was special forces. I trained insurgents behind enemy lines from Vietnam to Iraq. Now, give me the beer can come on.” -Dick Kelly

Robert De Niro and Zac Efron
Dirty Grandpa (2016)

51. “Nobody wears a white belt. The only people who wear white belts are people who suck at karate and people who suck at life.” -Dick Kelly

52. “You’re not going to die on me are you?” -Lenore

53. “Leave my illegitimate black son alone.” -Dick Kelly 

54. “Sometimes you just gotta take that punch upfront, you know. Then things get easier in the long run.” -Dick Kelly 

55. “Don’t let your junk touch my leg again or you’re sleeping on the floor.” -Jason Kelly 

56. “You just opened the gateway…” -Dick Kelly 

57. “You’re so good at singing you actually suck.” -Lenore

58. “When you get married it’s for a long time, and it’s hard, so it damn well better be with a woman who keeps things interesting.” -Dick Kelly 

59. “Back off D cups.” -Dick Kelly

60. “The villagers will finally eat.” -Dick Kelly 

Robert De Niro, Zac Efron, Aubrey Plaza, Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman, and Zoey Deutch
Dirty Grandpa (2016)

61. “I should’ve known you were crazy the moment you started hitting on women the day after grandma’s funeral.” -Jason Kelly

62. “What am I supposed to do now? Chase around some college girl that doesn’t even want to talk to me. Not knowing what I’m doing for the rest of my life.” -Jason Kelly 

63. “You’re lucky you’re not your dad.” -Dick Kelly 

64. “I messed up as a father. I wasn’t there to raise your dad and he turned into a materialistic, henpecked, country clubber.” -Dick Kelly

65. “I was your last ditch redemption project.” -Jason Kelly 

66. “You think that message should come from me? Okay.” -Cousin Nick 

67. “I just broke up with my fiance and lost my job. And I think I’m wanted by the police, so. A year at sea might actually be the best place for me.” -Jason Kelly 

68. “He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day.” -Dick Kelly 

69. “Who does you taxes H&R Block?” -Dick Kelly 

70. “Just try not to join the cast of Rent on the way back.” -Dick Kelly 

Robert De Niro and Zac Efron
Dirty Grandpa (2016)

71. “You’re going down old man.” -Cody

72. “Call a lifeguard, I think there’s been a ‘shart’ attack.” -Tan Pam

73. “Keep him heavily sedated, but don’t be afraid to pull the plug if you have to.” -Dick Kelly

74. “You better lose that white polo shirt and those pleated khaki pants. You’re meeting up with girls…” -Dick Kelly 

75. “Not the girth, not the length but the same style.” -Dick Kelly  

76. “My stepdad hates me!” -Lenore 

77. “Let’s not dirty this place up. It’s a shrine. Sinatra sang here. Parking lot?” -Dick Kelly 

78. “We have no crew. We have no crew.” -Jason Kelly 

79. “I like the way you took that haymaker tonight.” -Dick Kelly 

80. “Hey, light out after 12:00, boys. I better not catch you swimming across the lake to the girls’ camp, okay?” -Shadia 

Zac Efron and Zoey Deutch
Dirty Grandpa (2016)

81. “What’s someone from the laser tag lobby doing here?” -Griz

82. “Lebanese Red. I had some of this left over from my time in the Middle East. You throw some of this around, you can really get away with anything.” – Dick Kelly 

83. “You’re smoking grass now? Jesus, this is a gateway drug Grandpa.” -Jason Kelly

84. “I think I’m gonna call off my wedding.” -Jason Kelly 

85. “I miss having someone to share everything with.” -Dick Kelly 

86. “Well, it looks like Spring Break is finally drug-free.” -Officer Finch

87. “I’ll wait for you Grandpa.” -Lenore 

Dirty Grandpa is definitely not one of Robert De Niro’s typical movies, but in this film, he really lets his comedic chops show and his delivery makes those raunchy quotes that much better.

Although the film saw success at the box office, critics panned the film making a sequel unfortunately unlikely. 

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