Zombieland is a 2009 post-apocalyptic zombie comedy movie starring Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, and Abigail Breslin. The film follows Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) as he tries to make his way across the United States of America.
He is surviving with a set of rules designed to keep him one step ahead of the zombies. Along the way, he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), Wichita (Emma Stone), and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin).
Along their journey, the group will be tested not only by the zombies but also by each other in this hilarious spin on the zombie movie genre.
Zombieland, at the time of its release, was the highest-grossing zombie film in the U.S. It’s not hard to see why as this movie will keep you laughing and rooting for our team of unlikely survivors until the credits roll.
Here’s the scoop on the best quotes from Zombieland!
1. “Oh, America I wish I could tell you that this was still America. But I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends, this is now The United States Of Zombieland” -Columbus
2. “The first rule of Zombieland: cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons...were the fatties.” -Columbus
3. “It’s amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total s— storm.” -Columbus
4. “Come on! Anybody hungry? Tallahassee’s nice this time of year.” -Tallahassee
5. “Thank God for rednecks.” -Tallahassee
6. “You see? You just can’t trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.” -Columbus
7. “Is that how you say hello where you come from?” -Bill Murray
8. “... which leads me to my second rule; the double-tap. In those moments when you’re not sure the undead are really dead-dead, don’t get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head.” -Columbus
9. "I haven’t cried like that since Titanic.” -Tallahassee
10. “Who’s Bill Murray?” -Little Rock
11. "You did all this for a Twinkie?” -Wichita
12. “You have to focus on your survival, which leads to rule number four. Pretty basic. Fasten your seatbelts. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” -Columbus
13. “I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I’m such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I’ve seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill Murray.” -Tallahassee
14. “You are like a giant robot developed in a secret government lab.” -Columbus
15. “Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy, but I could hit that.” -Wichita
16. “In Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies? Los submarinos.” -Tallahassee
17. “You’ve got a pretty mouth.” -Tallahassee
18. “You know there’s a place untouched by all this crap?” -Columbus
19. “Out west, we hear it’s back east. Back east, they hear it’s out west. It’s all just nonsense. You know. You’re like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year.” -Tallahassee
20. “Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you’re a wonderful human, with great potential.” -Columbus
21. “Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit.” -Tallahassee
22. “Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” -Columbus
23. “Time to nut up or shut up.” -Tallahassee
24. “You got taken hostage by a 12-year-old?” -Tallahassee
25. “Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Where’s the Twinkies?” -Tallahassee
26. “I’m not great at farewells, so, uh, that’ll do pig.” -Tallahassee
27. “Oh, my god. Oh, my god, I can’t believe I shot Bill Murray.” -Columbus
28. “I’m going to Pacific Playland! Woo!” -Little Rock
29. “I could use a Twinkie.” -Tallahassee
30. “Don’t let them catch you with your pants down.” -Columbus
31. “Another rule to surviving Zombieland. Travel light and I don’t mean just luggage.” -Columbus
32. “There is a box of Twinkies in there. And not just any Twinkies, but the last box of Twinkies in the whole universe.” -Tallahassee
33. “The best part is no more flushing. Epic.” -Tallahassee
34. “Who’s Gandhi?” -Little Rock
35. “It had to be a clown.” -Columbus
36. “You want to feel how hard I can punch you? -Tallahassee
37. “Where are you, you spongy, yellow delicious bastards?” -Tallahassee
38. "... this lady could have avoided becoming a human happy-meal.” -Columbus
39. “Rule number three, beware of bathrooms.” -Columbus
40. “Stop, no names. Keeps us from getting too familiar.” -Tallahassee
41. “Zombies aren’t the most loveable creatures, but he really hated them.” -Columbus
42. “Someday very soon, life’s little Twinkies gauge is gonna go empty.” -Tallahassee
43. “Someone’s ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it.” -Columbus
44. “Well, better you make the mistake of trusting us than we make the mistake of trusting you.” -Wichita
45. “Of course, the first hot girl in a thousand miles shows up, makes me feel like an idiot, steals my double barrel.” -Columbus
46. “Would you rather be smart or lucky?” -Tallahassee
47. “I've always been kind of a loner, I avoided other people like they were zombies; even before they were zombies. Now that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people.” -Columbus
48. “I’m looking for a new home. Tomorrow maybe, skinny dip in the Yellowstone River. Swinging from the chandeliers in the Playboy mansion, but today, a box full of hollow points and lord willing a GD Twinkie.” -Tallahassee
49. “Gotta enjoy the little things.” -Columbus
50. “It’s amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry and a cut-throat attitude.” -Wichita
51. “You know what, I may not shoot you, but you still royally piss me off.” -Tallahassee
52. “Here's the deal, Columbus. I'm not easy to get along with and I'm sensing you're a bit of a mess.” -Tallahassee
53. “Do you think you can, maybe, just pick out the buckshot and just kind of eat around it?” -Columbus
54. “No, it had to be a clown, and it had to be Wichita for me to finally understand that some rules are made to be broken.” -Columbus
55. “My mama always told me, someday I’ll be good at something. Who’d have guessed that something’d be zombie killing.” -Tallahassee
56. “Hop in the car Evel Knievel. Let’s go ride the roller coaster.” -Tallahassee
57. “That’s why I don’t let people close, you only get burned.” -Tallahassee
58. “I felt so ashamed that it had taken me this long. Me with the best cardio in the business to realize I wasn’t the only one running from something.” -Columbus
59. “Buddy of mine, make-up guy, showed me how to do this. Corn starch, you know some berries, a little licorice for the ladies.” -Bill Murray
60. “We’re in Hollywood, let’s sleep in style.” -Tallahassee
61. “For the first time in a long time we were having fun.” -Columbus
62. “FYI, I beat wholesale butt for a lot less than that.” -Tallahassee
63. “I really, really wanna impress Wichita, but it would be a direct violation of rule number 17, maybe the most important of all. Don’t be a hero.” -Columbus
64. “Wherever this girl was, that’s where I wanted to be.” -Columbus
65. “We are all orphans in Zombieland.” -Wichita
66. “Now get over it, okay, we can’t just drive down the road playing I-Spy for two hours, like four normal Americans?” -Columbus
67. “To me home was a puppy named Buck. Cutest dog ever. Cause of those zombies I lost him. There ain’t no getting him back, so, uh, I’m looking for a new home.” -Tallahassee
68. “This is a really big truck, and these are really big guns.” -Tallahassee
69. “You think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that?” -Tallahassee
70. “I never had headaches like this till you came on board.” -Tallahassee
71. “Oh look, we don’t know that there’s definitely no cure right?” -Columbus
72. “We already said goodbye, but we didn’t have a gun.” -Wichita
73. “When Tallahassee goes hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for not to be messed with. No fear, nothing to lose. What can I say, it’s like, it’s like art.” -Columbus
74. “You’re gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie?” -Columbus
75. “Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date.” -Tallahassee
76. “Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus, I’ll promise you it ain’t any prettier than our friend here enjoying her man-wich.” -Tallahassee
77. “It’ll make you sad, it makes you think if you could go back to the way things were, right now, you know, you’d be in the backyard, you know, trying to catch fireflies.” -Columbus
78. “It’s a fast-acting virus that leaves you with a swollen brain, raging fever, and makes you hateful, violent. And gives you a really really bad case of the munchies.” -Columbus
79. “I’d always, my whole life, wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.” -Columbus
80. “You know, I get scared of things that, like, don’t make sense at all, like clowns with red noses, or like the rags they use to wipe down tables when you finish eating…” -Columbus
81. “When you’re afraid of everything that's out there, you quit going out there.” -Columbus
82. “I think they may actually require our assistance this time.” -Tallahassee
83. “You ever read that book 'She’s Just Not That Into You?' You can’t make yourself too available.” -Tallahassee
84. “Having Tallahassee around didn’t comfort me, it just made me feel more alone.” -Columbus
85. “Trust no one, just you and me.” -Wichita
86. “Hey, little help moving the couch? we’re making a fort.” -Tallahassee
87. “Oh, free parking, which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.” -Wichita
88. “Ok, I’m gonna teach you a little something about Bill Murray.” -Tallahassee
89. “See, I told you we should’ve gone to Russel Crowe’s. No one listens to me.” -Wichita
90. “Sometimes Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things. Even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things.” -Columbus
91. “Zombie kill of the week goes to Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.” -Columbus
92. “Well, I hope you find whoever it is you're looking for, and don't let go once you do.” -Wichita
93. “It’s tough growing up in Zombieland.” -Columbus
94. “Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home.” -Tallahassee
95. “So he’s on one of those serious Tour 'de France bikes, you know with the, like the toeholds, right? And uh, he’s peddling, and the zombie's head is like caught in the gear. You know with the hair and the chain just like going around.” -Tallahassee
96. “Avoid the vanity mirror.” -Wichita
97. “They’re sisters. The little one’s been bit. Act normal, try not to freak her out.” -Tallahassee
98. “When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it.” -Columbus
99. “That’s me realizing that those smart girls in that big black truck, and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket, were the closest to something I had always wanted, but never really had. A family.” -Columbus
100. “So until next time remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I’m Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland saying goodnight.” -Columbus
Zombieland was released in 2009 and fans eagerly awaited a sequel that eventually came out in 2019 in the form of Zombieland: Double Tap which has all the charm and laughs as the first.
Watch this action-packed comedy on Netflix!
Which Zombieland quote is your favorite? Comment below!
Get the scoop on more hilarious quotes by visiting the ones below:
Snow Rider says
They are still the funniest movies ever
geometry vibes says
Thanks